Killin’ It or It’s Killin’ Me

See that? That’s the Stay at Home Mom version of a Gold Star Perfect Finish. A toddler lunch.

If a part of you is saying “Oh that could be better. Is that organic?” See that little X on the top right of your screen? Click that and be gone with you. This is a major win.

Dang. Gone are the days when I would add my finishing touches to a report or project and send them off to my managers for approval.

I would anticipate the “Thank You” reply from them like mother-effin Christmas morning and be like “Yeaaaaaaah I made those excel cells purplllllle and grouped those columns like a Boss. I ROCK THIS.”

Now I get to watch as Toddler takes my well thought out project and turns her nose up at the prospects.

This is my life.  I still sometimes wait and admire my handiwork and expect some big-brass-boss-guy to come by and say “Way to go! Keep up the great work. That lunch has healthy fats, calcium and protein.”

I get off on being awesome. I am awesome about 15% of my day, some days. Other days I feel like John Wayne with tits.

Yesterday, not only did I feed my child and keep her alive – I cleaned my house, wrote two blog entries, did the usual social media plugging (like I am a pro…HA!), took Toddler for her flower girl dress fitting, had supper on the table at 5:30pm and still managed to hit up my bootcamp class. HELL YES.

KILLIN’ IT.

Some days, It is Killin’ Me.

I look for approval everywhere. I have no idea if this was something I groomed as a child, or if I just am naturally that effin’ insecure that I feel the need to be please others. I certainly went a long time without pleasing myself. — Wait… that sounded dirty. Moving along…

The only person I really get gratitude from is my husband. He is food driven so I just have to have supper on the table and he is happier than a pig in shit. He is my soulmate and I can not believe he puts up with me – that is another post altogether.

If you have ever met me in person you know I am an extrovert. I think sometimes extroverts are the ones who strive to make other people happy. We want to be liked. We want to be admired sometimes. We want everything that is awesome to be awesome because we deemed it so. We are a self-centered and self-depreciating all at the same time.

It can be a horrible feeling.

For instance, I will create a painting, post it to Facebook and get 100 likes. I will bask in the attention for a while and feel a sense of fulfillment for a time.

I will still think that painting is garbage three weeks later.

One hundred people liked some aspect of that painting, and I still do not find it worthy to put a price tag on it.

When is it enough? When can I stop putting so much value on the opinion of others?

I know this is something I have written about before, but it rears its ugly head daily for me.

I still feel the need to be encouraged and appreciated. I need a good ol’ pat on the back sometimes and for someone to tell me that I am doing GREAT, or even just OK. Other days I need to be taken down a peg or two. That’s fine.

Just tell me when I can breathe and relax and everything I have done to this point is exactly right.

Tomorrow my child’s lunch may be a cookie and a yogurt tube.

Please tell me I am still Killin’ It.

As always (even when you don’t feel like you are Killin’ It)…

Love yourself,

Allison

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