I often wonder if my choice to be a stay at home mom was a mistake.
There is no way of knowing, so I continue doing what I do and hope that somehow something clicks.
I know I am a complainer – it is in my nature – and I shouldn’t be complaining about the opportunity to nurture my children and watch them grow.
I didn’t get the chance to experience every little thing that my oldest accomplished. The big milestones are blurry and they were often described in detail to me instead of me witnessing them myself.
This time around I get to see everything and I am grateful for the most part.
I am a spoiled, spoiled woman.
I worked in television production for a decade.
I have been gone from my job for about 10 months now.
I am considered out of commission. I am stale and each day that passes my professional worth deteriorates.
It is difficult to come to that realization sometimes because I went to school for this.
I PAID money to have a job that was fulfilling, well-paying and with great benefits and I decided to throw it away.
Don’t get me wrong, my job didn’t exactly make me happy and it was not creative in the least.
Also, my first year or so was accompanied by so much stress and actual tears because I felt I was not cut out for it.
Now I worry I am not cut out for THIS.
On the flipside, sometimes I feel like I am exactly where I need to be.
My husband and I are happier than ever.
We have all of our needs and a lot of our wants.
We don’t jump on a plane three times a year and go to some faraway place like the fancy folk, but we are happy.
I do absolutely find it humbling and a bit annoying to have to confer with my husband every time I want to spend some money on something that isn’t a household staple.
Generally he doesn’t have issue with me even wanting to be a bit spendy, but it doesn’t diminish my guilt when I feel like I am not really contributing to our finances.
So, once in a while, I will take a peek at the jobs available in my area and part of me laughs and another part of me dies a little inside that people are expected to live on wages that are below the national poverty level. AND some of these jobs require a post-secondary education. Unbelievable.
Then I come to the conclusion that my time is worth so much more than anyone can pay.
There are no dollar values on seeing your child light up when they learn something new.
So, should I just shut up now?
You all know I am not going to shut up.
I have been dreaming that if I find that perfect role for me that includes a balance between my home life and work, has me in a position to help others and also helps me grow, gives me the opportunity to interact with adults on a professional and intellectual level.
I am working on something that gives me that balance and I will probably be freaking out about it on here soon enough. (I will keep you in the loop.)
But, for now I need to feed the kids, clean the house and be a Home Boss.
It’s my job.