Tribeless




Tribes. They are everywhere, but my God, socializing as an adult is so awful sometimes and trying to permeate a tribe is like running through a brick wall.

I get it. None of us want to commit to each other. We have been hurt in the past – or have done the hurting – and we don’t have time for investing in people we don’t immediately see a reflection of ourselves in. We also see ourselves as shitty friends anyway – like, who wants to suddenly be friends with someone who has maybe one day a month to hang out?

I feel a little ragey and a little bit of sadness whenever I see the “tribe” quotes on social media. I am sure you have seen them, but if you haven’t let me show you what you’re missing:

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So, let me break it down for everyone. Apparently without a group of other like-minded people, we are weak, outcasts and basically too odd to fit.

I have no “tribe.”

I see the posts on social media about the groups of people doing amazing things and they seem to gel so easily together… and I don’t have that. Maybe my weirdness extends too far off the deep end for anyone to really feel comfortable enough? Maybe I have also pushed my tribe away?

What I do know is that I feel like a lone ranger sometimes. I have my few close friends, but we are definitely not a “tribe.” We all get along, but we don’t do activities as a collective group. There are definitive boundaries around these friendships and that does not include tribing.

The single friends do their own thing – mostly partying and going on adventures that for myself would require a babysitter and way more planning time. It is near impossible for myself to be spontaneous.

The newly married/common-law friends without children are busy loving their significant others. I get it –  Husband and I went through the exact same thing. There was a time that we couldn’t get enough of each other. On the flip, if our partners don’t know each other, it is going to take a really long time (if ever) when they are comfortable enough for us all to chill out together as one unit. Couple dates are not tribing.

Long-term relationship/with kids. Need I say anymore? I feel like this group of people either already have their tribes established or they are too busy to notice that they even have one. This is my peer group, and breaking into a defined group is tough as hell at this point in our lives. The bond of trust has already been sealed. The initiation is intense and often there are those who don’t make it.

Then there are those like me. Too weird. Too against the grain. Too hard to manage.




I felt like I had a really solid friendship once and we were most likely viewed as a tribe of two – but that friendship blew up and it was devastating. I feel like that falling out has left a barrier between myself and my ability to let people into my life. Not only that, but I also assume that other people have this problem as well. What’s the point in trying to form relationships if we aren’t really going to let people in? Move along, right?

I used to think I was pretty like-able. Now I am feeling like maybe the fact that I kind of already know who I am, I don’t have a filter and I expect a little more from people has left me unreachable.

So, here I am. Tribeless.

I am trying to rock it, but some days I feel the need to connect on that level that we did with our best friends growing up. I want some belly laughs and to totally be myself (which includes being a sarcastic bitch about 78% of the time) without having to worry about losing face. I want to open up, but I feel like I have closed a part of me for good.

So, if you are out there, feeling tribeless yourself – Holla.

We have our own tribe. The Tribeless Tribe.

 

Love Yourself,

Allison

15 thoughts on “Tribeless

  1. breastfeedingandbeyond

    I 100% get this… I wrote something similar a few weeks ago. My tribe consists of me, hubby & baby.. lol and that’s not really what a tribe is about! Haha I’m learning to embrace my single tribeness! 💜

    Reply
    1. wakingupthirty

      There must be more of us out there than we imagine. Tribes are also not always what they are cracked up to be… and they can’t be forced either. I hope someday I get to open up again, but I need time to be tribeless, I think.

      Reply
      1. breastfeedingandbeyond

        I guess at this point in my life I’m done with being disappointed with the relationships in my life.. be it friends or family.. I’m never going to beg for friendship, now I WILL go out of my way for those who do the same for me. When I step back and look at how many people have made an effort over the last year while I was home on maternity leave and going through some of the biggest family struggles of my life… I noticed that list of friends and family is very short and although it hurts to feel alone… I would rather be alone than surrounded by people who don’t really care…

        Reply
        1. wakingupthirty

          This is true. Most of my relationships are floating on the surface. It’s fine for a while, but I miss that kindred spirit kind of friendship sometimes and it is hard to build that once your barriers are up.

          Reply
  2. kittyandb

    I see a lot of tribe talk, too! I think ‘tribes’ change as we get older and our lives change. Life is certainly different for me with a baby, but I try my best to be sociable where I can! 😂

    Reply
    1. wakingupthirty

      “Tribe” is definitely a hot word right now. I find I want to be social, I want to connect – but without putting on any airs or having to be something I am not. I need genuine, real friends.

      Reply
      1. kittyandb

        I think that’s key. Just be yourself. Like follows like. Lots of genuine people out there, too. There’s a lid for every pot, as my mum says! Might be at the back of the cupboard somewhere, but it’s there! 😘

        Reply
  3. Mandy

    I thought about this post all day.

    I am lucky enough to have many people that I would consider to me my “tribe”. I don’t take this lightly and I know I am so fortunate to have the wonderful people in my life who I know will be there when I need them. People who will listen to me when I cry, or be simply show up when I want to have a glass of wine and complain to about how cold my husband keeps the air conditioning in our bedroom.

    The thing about having a tribe, or even a strong friendship is that it takes work, like a lot of work. I think about these women a lot and am constantly trying to find ways to make them know how much then mean to me, very similar to a relationship with a spouse. You can’t ignore phone calls when you don’t feel like talking, or txt them back two days later. Show them that you will be there for them and they will be there for you. Show up when they invite you over (even if it requires you bringing your kids or getting a sitter), txt when you are thinking about them and always, always have their back.

    It makes me so, so sad to think that there are kindred relationships being ignored because we have made it “okay” to be too busy with our lives that our peers take a seat in the back row. My best friend recently passed away and I can honestly say that she was my soul mate, and I was her’s. We both have/had amazing relationships with our husbands but if we had major news/problem/needed to vent, we were each other’s first call. I have found myself relaying my husband to fill her shoes sometimes (and he is doing great) but it was a huge shift for our relationship. When I talked to several people about how much I missed her, so many people said to me “I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have a friendship that strong” or “you should be grateful that you have a friend like her in your life” Comments like that made me angry and sad. They made me questions whether I would ever find a friendship like that again. Over time, I have learned that I’ll never fill the void but I’ll have to find new relationships I can count on like I knew I could count on her.

    What I’m trying to say is, put yourself out there, take risks, be vulnerable. You wouldn’t stop dating for the rest of your life because your high school sweet heart broke your heart, so why give a broken friendship that kind of power over the rest of your life? The best friends I had in high school (other than the one who passed away) I no longer speak to. Did those “break-ups” hurt? Hell-yessss! But I wouldn’t have the group of kick-ass women behind me today if I let that determine how much I was going to put myself out there.

    I know you are a super fun, outgoing, amazing, human being. So if you want a “tribe”, put yourself out there because I can guarantee, there are a lot if amaze-balls women out there looking for the same thing.

    Reply
  4. Rebl_fitgirl

    I understand this 100%. It’s like you took some of the words right out of my mouth 🙂
    I have learned when times get tough, or you have some health issues, friends disappear. You learn quickly who cares and who does not. Appreciate and make a priority to the ones who do show you their love. I still keep trying tho.
    I have never considered myself weak because I have no tribe. I have stood alone and faced the storms by myself. So I can be strong!! Maybe that is why it is hard to find a tribe to belong to?
    I say, always stay true to yourself.
    #strongisbeautiful

    Reply

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