Yes, I understand it has been a long time since any posts have been made here.
I have been working on things outside of this blog that have taken a lot of my attention and I love it.
I am a woman who craves success. I want it so badly with every endeavor I take.
The only problem is that I often feel like any time I see myself achieving that success or praise, I recoil. I tuck my head and tail together and limp away before anyone discovers that I am actually full of shit.
It wasn’t until about a month ago that I learned there is an actual term for this feeling. It is called “Imposter Syndrome” and it goes a little something like this:
Google the “Dunning Kruger effect” and we will all agree we have had a boss with this affliction before.
Anywho, Imposter Syndrome is basically inability to “internalize accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud.” Thank you, Wikipedia.
This is the probably the biggest internal issue I have faced in my life and it has barricaded me quite a few times from reaching real accomplishments. I almost get there… nearly at my goal and ACK! Run like hell.
Accepting compliments is a no go. I love hearing praise for about 1/3 of a second, then instead of gaining confidence, I start to doubt myself. It is almost like I can’t fully absorb the idea that I am doing something right.
I really think if this is something I could have overcome earlier in life I would have pursued so much more of my passions. My artwork would have not been such a sore spot for me. I love creating – but because the appreciation of art is so dependent on each individual person – I felt like there was no way to please everyone.
Therefore, I am a fraud.
This time last year I decided 2016 was going to be the year I tried to live authentically.
I really do believe I made some progress. If it is at all possible, I am much more blunt and unreserved with telling the truth. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, so I have also worked really hard at being articulate without being hurtful. Honesty doesn’t have to mean bitchy.
I also let go of some of the ideas I was raised with that don’t sit well with Adult Allison. I guess that makes me a Millennial after all.
I tried learning more and keeping an open mind.
I calmed my temper and tried being more patient. Honestly, neither my husband or I can remember the last time we fought. It just isn’t worth it. (Bickering doesn’t count because that is when we tease each other the most often.)
I focused on getting stronger physically and clearing my brain fog that had hounded me since discovering I had hypothyroidism. I can say I am feeling almost 100%. I have good days and bad- just like you and everyone else.
I decided to do more things that made me happy – like writing, painting, working out. All of these things make me feel like myself.
…then there was the damned Imposter Allison. That cockblocker.
So, goodbye 2016.
This New Year’s Eve is going to be spent with my little family, eating Chinese Food and going to bed before midnight. We won’t be seeing any balls drop (how can I NOT make a joke about this?) or any celebrations.
I want 2016 to slip away quietly into the night and when I open my eyes tomorrow morning to see 2017 shining brightly. – This human idea that time has any relevance to our daily lives is almost silly if you think about it, but here it comes nonetheless.
Perhaps in 2017 I will say goodbye to this Imposter. I am not sure if this is something that just goes away, but maybe I can work on it. Maybe if I actually focus on doing things for myself and not for senses of others, I will overcome the idea that everyone else’s satisfactions are somehow tied to my own.
Or maybe, just maybe, I could continue with the simple things:
Being me. Being happy. Being grateful.