I met Jenelle serendipitously. We both went to a women’s retreat thinking we were in store for a relaxing weekend and ready to have a bit fun. What we came away with was a core group of amazing women who went through some astounding soul-changes in the course of fewer than 72 hours. We created a sisterhood and bonds that can never be broken.
I think Jenelle and I would both agree that we come across as opposites. I am in your face and have the need to be in the spotlight. Jenelle is reserved and an observer.
What we have in common is more important.
Both of us are going through a spiritual shift. I don’t mean church here. I mean the spirit that is within. The essence that makes us who we are and is compromised of the universe. This is a change that can altogether feel very strange, yet very familiar. It is breaking us out of the confinements we put ourselves in and allows us to accept ourselves as who we are.
Jenelle is also a newly appointed “Stay-At-Home-Mom” – just like me. Maybe this is a coincidence – or maybe not? Maybe what has happened is we have been given the time to reflect – or maybe we are both just done with the bullshit-ticky-tacky things in life that don’t really matter. Either way, we are both waking up.
Here is Jenelle’s story.
You are safe – Jenelle’s Awakening
I’m in this closet. It’s a beautiful closet filled with so much love and light. I’ve been happy here for a while. Taking my time learning and just being. I’ve accumulated all of these beautiful things that I’ve covered my walls with; Beautiful thoughts, words, feelings. I’m starting to feel as though my closet is getting too full and feeling a little confined. I have so much more, but I’m running out of the room. Suddenly, so drawn to a glow of light creeping through the doorway, it’s finding its way through every little crack in these old wooden doors – just shining. Maybe it’s time I see what’s out there for me in this light. Maybe this closet has acted as my cocoon & it’s time for me to leave & spread these new wings of mine.
I’ve been going through what you would call a spiritual awakening. It’s been a slow process that started about two years ago. In the beginning, I had done a lot of soul-searching – bringing up pain and healing.
Previously, about 6 years ago, I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and had taken many different medications. Nothing had ever worked for me. I eventually decided to figure this out on my own. I made an appointment to see a psychologist and after a few sessions, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I went on to get EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatments with her and it was like something was finally working for me. I didn’t want to be on medication anymore, I was so tired of feeling like shit when they were supposed to be making me feel better. My doctor wouldn’t discuss any other options, so I stopped taking them. Looking back it was stupid of me. The withdrawals I went through were worse than I could have ever imagined. It took me about a month for my body to recuperate. It fucked me up.
Then, just like that, one morning I just woke up.
I remember describing it as the fog being lifted and I could breathe. Something inside me had shifted.
I just wanted to read everything I could get my hands on. All I cared about was reading. It was so relieving for me to read similar stories and feel like I wasn’t alone on this journey. I wanted to work through all of this pain and anger inside of me. Then once I moved past that I wanted to just find myself. Me, as a person. As a whole. Not a mother, wife, sister, or daughter. I needed to fill my well up before anyone could take from it. I needed to be whole. Mainly for myself, and then for my children and husband. I want to show them that I love myself and that may light a spark in them to do the same.
At a very young age, I taught myself “survival skills” without realizing this until lately. I can’t fully trust anyone or fully love anyone. I couldn’t give anyone a chance to hurt me. I needed to protect myself. I have this wall built up around my heart and I can physically feel these boards falling away. Nails bursting out and falling to the ground. I have been feeling this in my chest for weeks now. This aching. Knowing.
“Bless the thing that broke you down and cracked you open because the world needs you open.” – Rebecca Campbell.
I have never felt more whole as a person as I do right now. It’s the most amazing and most terrifying feeling. I’m here for a special purpose and it’s coming to me. I can physically feel it on its way to me. I’m so impatient. Come on & get here already! I have been gifted this awareness. Awareness of my thoughts and feelings and why I have them. I hav been gifted with tools to work with and now I am just letting the universe guide me to where I need to be. I’ve come a long way and I feel ready for what is next for me. I feel so grateful to be here. I am also grateful for my soul sisters who have been by my side – helping me and shining their light on me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This is the beginning of something big, I can feel it.
I’ve uncrossed my legs, stood up & slowly grasped my hand on the doorknob. I know that once I turn it I won’t be going back into that closet.
There’s a light out here that’s calling to me. Here I go.
If you feel like you would like to contribute the story of your awakening, email email@example.com and your story might end up here on the blog!
Like this post? You might like this one too: “One Day You Wake Up & Realize You Don’t Know Everything.”
Don’t forget to subscribe so you can get updates from Waking Up Thirty sent right to your email – and remember to share this post!
Also, don’t forget to check out Waking Up Thirty on Facebook.