I have a severe affliction of the mind.
At night, almost every night actually, I lay in bed and rehash my highlight reel of “Allison’s Worst Moments.”
They are those memories which make me squirm and hide my face under the blankets and sometimes wish I could have a do-over.
I have the craziest long-term memory. I may forget my belongings in weird places, I might forget to text you for 10 months, but I can remember who sat where in my Grade 2 class.
I can also vividly remember all the horribleness that came from me. Sure, I remember the good, but it is the not-so-proud memories that resonate with me.
I was never really a bully. As a matter of fact, I always tried to stick up for people who got bullied in school. However, I am a girl that had girl friends and what happens when a group of girls get together?
Back in my day before the internet was available to entertain our closed-minds, we would kind of be awful to each other.
Instead of encouragement, we infected each other with self-doubt.
Instead of trying to understand our differences (or heaven forbid embrace them), we tried to unify our clique. We didn’t want each other to have a skill or knowledge the other didn’t possess.
We were almost like one walking, talking blob of sameness. We sucked.
Thank eff we grew up and out of that shit.
Or did we?
Even as a young adult I kind of thrived off my “I am a bitch” attitude because I thought it let me get away with some things. I also felt like I needed to have a cold shoulder in order to protect myself from hurt.
I was the main bitch, no one could out bitch me.
That got pretty tiring. I still have the uncanny ability to say exactly what is on my mind and I have a general feeling of “I don’t give a fuckedness.” But is it wayyyyyy different now.
I was posing before. I cared a lot about how people thought of me. Now I don’t care so much about how others perceive me, but how I make myself feel.
(That highlight-reel. Oi. It makes me cringe.)
I kind of feel like that clique mentality shifts as we get older- like the same stupid “cool kid” requirements of the right shoes, clothes etc. Hell, now you have to have the car, house and job to go with that. HELL, now you have to even push this crap onto your kids.
Remember that little online shopping problem I told you about in the previous post? This really flared up when I was preparing for my last baby. I bought everything I could that was “in” and would make me a trendy mom.
I also joined what I thought was an amazing local parenting Facebook group and I really enjoyed conversing with the people in it.
It was an exclusive group in which you could only join after being in another group and had to adhere to some requirements of natural parenting etc.
Anyway, at the time I was put off work early for maternity leave I thrived in this facebook group. The others in the group knew all the answers to my questions, could recommend new ways of doing things and knew the best ways to go about doing them. It was great, until it wasn’t.
It was when the mood switched from general advice and fun to “I can’t believe that mom did THAT” that I realized the group was not for me. It wasn’t for the person I wanted to be.
The final straw for me was when one Member came into the group to chastise another mom she had met that day in public (at WALMART, how self-righteous).
The Member saw that Walmart Mom looking at the sippy cups and the Walmart Mom exclaimed,
“Oh I wish they had blue ones for my son, all they have are pink for girls.”
Member decided this was unacceptable and came running to our Facebook Group immediately to tell us all about Walmart Mom who “didn’t know that boys can use pink cups too and it seriously impedes the child’s development because they perceive pink as wrong and colours should be gender fluid, yada yada.”
I simply inquired if Member had talked to Walmart Mom.
“Did you tell her that a pink sippy cup was just as useful as a blue one and the boy’s male anatomy would actually stay in tact during use?” I asked.
The answer was no.
Member thought it appropriate to instead berate Walmart Mom in a private setting, behind social media’s closed doors where Walmart Mom would never know.
I left that Facebook group that day.
Those actions of Member reminded me of when I was in elementary school and I wore a dress almost every day. One day I was wearing my favourite twirly dress and I heard some girls whispering about me – it was something to the effect of, “doesn’t she know that only babies wear dresses to school?”
I never wore a dress to school again and the next time I tried on that favourite dress of mine, it didn’t fit anymore. I effing loved that dress.
The real issue is that this is not a facebook or social media problem.
It is a SOCIAL PROBLEM. This happens everywhere.
It’s the Mommy Wars.
It is the “I am more of an adult that you are Wars.”
“LIKE, HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT MY ADULTING Wars.”
The ones who behave this way are always the dicks in movies. I don’t want to be a dick.
I guess all I want is for all the cattiness and back-alley behavior to stop. JUST STOP.
I know I can’t change people, but if there is anything that I wish to do in life right now it is to create more positive energy.
If we could just start thinking and acting in a more positive manner, I wonder how that would change our outlook? I wonder if it would change the general vibe that society currently has? I know all about herd mentality. If you look it up, it is similar to when mob goes into hysterics and starts looting. Even people that generally wouldn’t loot, do it because the thought process of the mob almost becomes contagious.
Why can’t we do that with positive thought?
I think the change first has to start within ourselves.
As a side note to this blog, I have created a short off-the-top list of some I would like to say “I am sorry for being a dick” to:
– The girl I yelled at in Global History class in school. I didn’t mean to make you cry.
– My best friend for yelling at her while I was pregnant (we could blame hormones, but I was just jealous you were continuing your young and fabulous life and I was, well… going to be a teen mom)
– My other best friend for making you feel like shit while we were at the lake/pond thing – you got enough of that crap from your brothers, I didn’t need to help.
– My other best friend for not being there quite enough.
– Girl Guides – I ate the entire box…
– My former Grade 5 music teacher – I am pretty sure the damaged flute is still at my parents’ house somewhere.
– The girl we gave that awful nickname to. You always bring it up, even when I see you now.
– The girl whom I put through her own hell in high school. I am sure he hurt you, but it was my fault.