Accepting Our Faults

I remember when I was unhappy.

I have been a victim of depression and anxiety for as long as I have been an adult -even before that, really – and for that, no one is to blame. A chemical imbalance in my brain is nothing I can say was planned by someone else or an intentional conception or my fault.

But, I can remember a time when I was truly unhappy simply because I chose to be. Sometimes we can get so deep into self-loathing that being mean to others and spreading that unhappiness starts to feel good somehow. These feelings probably have a little bit to do with depression – and a whole lot more to do with selfishness.

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The Fits

Last week I took Toddler to the park and I thought things were going great. We were playing (OK, she was playing and I was sitting at the picnic table enjoying an iced coffee) and generally enjoying ourselves. I thought to myself, “Today is the day I am going to let as much time pass as possible and tire her out so she isn’t a raging lunatic when we try to head to the car.”

I am an idiot.

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Love Yourself (Self-Praise & Loathing)

It has taken me nearly a week to sit down and write this post. Yeah, I have been busy, but that’s not the only reason this one was so hard to get out.

I learned this past week that I use negative self-talk to calm my nerves. For some reason I think that if I tell people about my flaws, my faults will seem to vanish or be ignored.

I completed my practical exam for my FIS (Fitness Instructor Specialist) certification that had expired many moons ago. This involved teaching my first full fitness class in almost just over three years. I had no idea I would be so nervous. Yeah, I am quite a bit out of practice and I think it was valid for me to be a bit anxious over the fact I was being graded on my delivery that day. I just had no idea how I was really being perceived when I thought joking about my faults was going to help my participants be comfortable, or understand me.

After the class was over – and I was nervous as hell about what I had just done – my Pro-trainer, who I have known for years, took me aside and said she was actually quite surprised to hear me speak about myself negatively and reminded me of something quite poignant:

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My Favourite Quote

When I was in Grade 7 I was a real go-getter schoolwork-wise.

I was adamant that I would hold my Honours with Distinction certificate at the end of the year and show my parents proudly. I am pretty sure I did, but hey… who can remember back that far? It was nearly 20 years ago, after all. Shit.

There are a few things I do clearly remember about my first year of middle school.

I remember my horrible haircut. I had a hairdo similar to my own mother’s at the time… and this was 1996, so… sorry Mom, but it was a friggin’ disaster.

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