Uh huh, you read that right.
I had a wedding coming up and knew I would be wearing a bit of a form fitting dress.
I like Spanx, OK?
When I have some event to go to, or want to tuck in the little jiggly bits, I wear Spanx.
There is no shame in that…ok, there is a little bit of shame, but it is warranted.
After you have a couple of children, something’s gotta give, and it is usually the skin’s elasticity.
So, I was in need of a new pair of Spanx or the like and lo’ and behold, there on my facebook timeline was an ad for what looked like some sort of shapewear.
They were $9.99.
I measured myself and was a bit disappointed that I had to get the largest size they had available, but I figured it was probably a Chinese company and that is pretty normal for me.
I am not a size 2, after all.
I also figured even if it wasn’t as good as Spanx, I only paid $10 for it.
Deal was done.
A few weeks later I forgot I even bought it. Online shopping surprises are the best!
I was going about my day and went for my mail run and saw a package!
I opened the packet and pulled out this:
It looked legit.
I tried it on and it held in my jiggles, and it even had some boning that promised to maintain its shape throughout my inevitable dancing the evening of the wedding.
Or maybe I looked a bit like an overstuffed sausage…whatever.
Then I noticed it came with a note that said it was for “waist training.”
It came with no directions or really any indications that it was anything more than a shapewear you use occasionally.
I decided to check out waist-training on the internet.
I thought it would be some idea of wearing the shapewear while you work out to help with core stability or something.
It is a little more fucked up than that.
Waist training is using corsets to cinch in the midriff and essentially compact the organs so you appear to have a smaller waist.
The pictures online were remarkable. I am not sure how else to put it.
They were remarkably weird, extreme, exaggerated and Kardashian.
Fucking obviously THEY had to come in here somewhere. Effin’ Kardashians.
I was a little shocked that this is a thing.
I don’t think the one I bought is meant to do the things some of the pictures on the internet suggested.
Google: “Extreme waist training”
What the mother eff is that about?
If this is what they want, fine. You want to look like a woman nearly cut in half, fine.
Do you want to prance around with your organs shifted so it looks like you have an hour glass figure? Fine.
You have to deal with the effects of the potential damage it creates. That’s your deal, not mine.
Man I was surprised at the amount of people into this kind of thing.
All I wanted was a little jiggle help.
I just wanted to tuck in some bits and wear a pretty dress and feel like I could glide across the dance floor without working about my jiggly-wigglies.
So, I will tell you, I did end up wearing the waist trainer to the wedding.
I had no time to go buy new Spanx, so it was done.
I could have worn my old Spanx, but the hole I made in the crotch from doing the splits at my other friend’s wedding had begun to show even more wear.
So there I was, waist training it up – I even ate a meal with this buggar on.
However, I took it off once the dancing began because it interfered with my Tootsie Roll moves.
And wouldn’t you know it, not one person fucking cared that I had a little jiggle action.
My waist trainer shamelessly sits on my dresser with half of the parts of my now-unused breast pump.
…Toddler likes to use the cones to the breast pump as mini megaphones.