I have been on a journey.
I have not been writing very much lately because I honestly have not felt the pull to do so. There are several reasons why and some of them are so deep that I can’t even explain them as they are just feelings that have no words.
For a while there I was so worried about posting periodically, making sure my blog was ticking all the right boxes technically and trying to ensure it grew and I looked professional that it made me feel really negatively about this thing that was once such a positive release. It started becoming something less and less personal and more and more of a “this has to count” thing. I also found myself editing too much. I think the first few posts I made had so much feedback because you all could feel my sincerity. Then as time went on and the posts started becoming structured and the shift was felt. Yes, the messages I have always posted are coming from a place of love and truth, but without question, I know now the voice I use NEEDS to be my own and not modified to ensure my success.
Over the past few weeks I have really been reflecting on this. How do I stop pressuring myself to grow and reach a certain level and how do I do that organically without affecting other aspects of my life?
I have no answer for that. I do know I admire those who are able to see their value so quickly and are able to project that into the world. I especially admire women who do so – and I was finding myself trying to follow their directions, trying to take their courses and to learn and absorb everything they knew. It was really hard for me and now I am realizing it wasn’t the right fit or time for me whatsoever. I am not ready to be told what to do as I am still in the midst of my rebellion.
We all may have a place we want to be or an idea of what we want to our future to hold, but making sure we honour our own journey is so.fucking.important. The journey is where we learn from mistakes and shapes who we are. The lessons we learn are what make us unique and gives us our own perspective.
If we were all to take the same path, and end up at the same destination, how could we possibly expect to stand out? Why would we think we had anything different to offer and why would we want to be the same as everyone else anyway? The zest of life is continual learning for me. I am the most excited when I discover something.
I love my differences. A huge part of my SELF-identity is that I truly enjoy my uniqueness. It is probably the most important and more loved part of my self. I know we are all unique, but for so long I had a period where I wanted to fit in somewhere-anywhere that now realizing that I love at least a part of me wholeheartedly is a great step in the direction of loving my whole self indefinitely.
“I am the most excited when I discover something new.” This. This sentence is more than you know.
Have you ever lost something for a really long time and then found it again? When you were a child did you lose a beloved toy or article of clothing and then as if by magic you found it again some time later and the JOY you felt was deep deep deep in the pit of your belly? Did it feel like a discovery? You literally uncovered something.
I have come to realize that everything about myself that I feel like I am growing into or learning is not something new.
It is a rediscovery.
Love yourself. Love your unique-ass-self.
If you like this post, then you might like this one: You Don’t Know How Far She’s Come